I was in Bali and I was bored so I went to Borneo. I always wanted to go to Borneo. Ok well not but it was there so I went.

I took two flights to get there and was the only pale face on both.

I had chosen the most out of the way National Park to hunt orangutans. I found myself in Pangalan bun. Not much English was to be found here but I had learnt a version of sign language which we all know.

I found a boat with a crew and after spending a night in a dodgy hotel I planned for the next day.

I needed snacks and food that was more inclined to suite my western palate. I liked Indonesian food but I hadn’t paid much for my cruise which was inclusive of food. I thought a back up plan was in order.

I went to the “Hypermarket” the next morning and stocked up. I bought tonic for my gin and various mixers including tomato juice and I found some tobasco and some wild boar meat and some other stuff.

I had visions of drinking gin and tonics , bloody Mary’s and a lot of beer cruising up the big river into a massive Indonesian National Park the size of Zimbabwe to hunt for these big Orange monkeys. I was excited.

I was alone and the only friend I had was alcohol and some sleeping tablets.

I was excited.

I asked the driver as we concluded our shop in the “ Hypermarket “ that he could take me to a liquor store to buy my gin and beer and maybe some red wine or similar. This is the shopping I love so much,

That’s when the bastard said “ sorry sir but alcohol is illegal in Borneo “.

Well I may have overreacted a tad utilizing the most impressive expletives of this last year and also from the last few thousand years even past BC.

My hopes faded for a happy life. I almost gave up trying right then.

Something related to survival kicked in and I started plotting. I wasn’t giving up at this point and was wondering if I could survive under these torrid circumstances.

My tour guide picked me up and I discussed the situation in a very grown up and sincere manner. 20 minutes later we were in the jungle buying illegal Arak. I bought three bottles without tasting or smelling it.

Next was the beer. I got ripped blind but I got a few, well maybe more than a few quarts of Bintang beer. Each purchase was clandestine and at any moment I expected to be arrested by the FBI, well the equivalent in Borneo.

I pulled off the perfect crime.

I got on the boat and checked on the ice and met the crew. There were only four of them. I felt absolute grief for these nice people.

Anyway I then poured my first Arak like a double gin and added some tonic which I clearly had a lot of.

I nearly died.

Jeepers that stuff was strong. I reckon 100% proof. I was excited as I knew I had bought enough Arak to send 12 grown men to Mars.

Anyway I am a winner and pushed on persistently.

A few down the line whilst we were cruising down the big river the chef brought me these amazing deep fried thingies of cassava which I guessed to be the root. I was starving and politely tried to grab one.

At that moment my trusty magnificent guide grabbed the plate. I nearly punched him.

He then informed the chef that I was drinking Arak and the two mixed together would kill me in ten minutes.

I poured another undeterred by this news. I at that time suddenly became quite interested in how Arak was made. I pushed my guide a bit and he informed me that it was made with fermented rice. I didn’t buy that. There has to be something really bad in this drink.

I carried on drinking it until I started seeing angels and other heavenly people and then. I just pushed through. Nobody ever won by slowing down.

I saw orangutans and the baby ones.

I had an awesome Indonesian meal in the dark on the river in my cruise ship with six million mosquitoes. No Zika here. Tee hee. I drank some more Arak.

The next morning we set off up the river. Borneo is the only place on earth that populate long nosed monkeys.

We saw those.


Anyway now I had a decision to make. Should I drink bintang beer or attempt to make a Bloody Mary with Arak.

The Bloody Mary was not perfect but bloody (get that) tasty.

Ok so the recipe is. Tomato juice, tobasco, white pepper and soya sauce.

We saw more monkeys.

I was shat on by the staff for playing music too loud, trying to swim in the crocodile infested river and for drinking too much Arak.

I don’t think I can take much more of this.

I drank more Arak

I made a wild boar burger.

I drank more Arak then stayed another night.

They told me I was crazy. Don’t know where that comes from.

I went back to Bali.

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